Dr. Shefali Tsabary – aka Dr. Shefali – is a clinical psychologist, a bestselling author (of 7 books), and a world-renowned parenting expert. With millions of followers on social media, a popular podcast that’s a must-listen, and Oprah Winfrey referring to her as “revolutionary”, we’ve been following and learning from Dr. Shefali for years.
Recently, she sat down with Demetra Ganias, host of the Local Moms Network podcast MomCast to talk through some of her best advice. Below, we’re sharing an adapted excerpt of that interview. Listen to Momcast today for the full conversation with this “conscious parenting” pioneer.
One of the most common pieces of parenting advice I hear, particularly as my kids get older, is not to be your kid’s friend? Is this sound advice – is it really bad to be your child’s friend?
Look, you can tell them you’re my best friend. Of course: you’re my best friend, you’re my best sister, you’re my best partner, you’re my comrade in arms. You and I are connected – we are one. All that is beautiful to say, but I don’t want you to use your child as your best friend, or as a therapist or as a partner. They can’t fill our inner hole, right? But we can fill theirs.
At the end of the day, though, I’m [my daughter’s] mother and I’m going to have to tell her certain things whether she likes them or not. That’s my responsibility as a parent, to step up during those moments.
One the most toxic things parents can do is treat their children as their best friend, including telling them details about their life that they should not hear, don’t need to hear and are not equipped to hear.
That makes a lot of sense! Switching topics…We have these ideas when we go into marriage or when we enter into partnerships of how things are going to be—and who we are going to be. How do you find yourself after losing yourself in motherhood?
I would actually say to allow yourself to be a total mess [in early motherhood] and not cling on to that old identity. To say for the next five years, I’m going to be in this fog, in this haze of confusion and frustration and overwhelming fatigue.
That’s who you are right now, it’s is your new identity, this fatigue. You see, we typically hold on to the identity of that image of perfectionism and control, but a lot of parenting, at least the first seven, eight years, is just this fog. And that’s where you are now. So don’t cling on to who you were and accept who you are now.
So give yourself a bit of grace—love that. Speaking of grace, you’ve been very honest and open about your own divorce. Can you please share about how to know if it’s worse to stay or leave for your kids, in terms of trauma for the kids?
Well, it depends on how unhappy you are. I think if you are getting more happiness keeping the family together and that generally gives you joy and pleasure, that’s not going to harm your children. But if you’re so miserable staying, and you’re anxious and you’re a nervous wreck and you’re depressed, then that’s going to be terrible for your children.
Also, the idea of “Willl our children be happy?” is a completely irrelevant idea and obsession, because there’s no such thing to be quantifiably labeled as happy. And our children will constantly be in flux. They will have hard times and they will have tragedy, and they may get divorced, and friends will betray them as they have all of us, and that doesn’t mean anything.
So let go of this idea of making your children happy. If they say they’re sad, go, okay, I’m here with you. If they say they’re happy, you’re like, oh, okay, I’m here with you. Don’t overemphasize this obsession with happiness.
Listen to the full interview with Dr. Shefali on MomCast.
